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Tuesday Tributes: Best of the Blogs
The Hosemaster of Wine Pays A Visit

By Charles Olken

Once upon a time, in the land of milk and honey and overripe Zinfandel, a superhero rode into town, and in no time at all, became known far and wide as The Hosemaster of Wine. He was no ordinary master of wine, stuffed with book learning and overburdened by dozens of Riedel glasses and decanters. No, this man had no need for the fol-de-rol of wine. He was the master of the hose. And as every winemaker who ever pitched yeast or punched down a tank of Cabernet or pumped a red wine into a white wine tank and reinvented rosé before the very eyes of his startled employer can attest, a man who masters the hose is perhaps the most valuable member of the winery staff.

Such a man exists. But, he did not stay long in the winery. His fame spread far and wide, and soon he became that most dreaded of all members of the wine community, a blogger. Yes, the wine blogosphere claimed yet another victim. Thousands of words read by hundreds of people who offered nothing in return except a few laughs. And then there were those who did not laugh. “You’re just lucky I have a sense of humor” wrote one who obviously was short on that very element. Said another, “I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny.”

Well, so much for the praise. Ultimately, and for reasons which he cannot explain except possibly that we are all as mad as he is, the Hosemaster began to attract a rabid audience, made up mostly of people who once read Mad Magazine as kids. And then, at the height of his popularity, the Hosemaster disappeared. Rumors that he had been spotted pulling hoses in Australia were soon proven to be as upside down as the wine from that distant place. Predictions that he would re-emerge as one of the characters in his short stories also turned out to be wishful thinking. Yes, the Hosemaster was gone.

Until now, that is. I awoke the other morning to the sound of my email alarm bell ringing. I try not to pay attention because it mostly announces public relations releases from wineries who have just hired their latest sales person. And if that is not the reason for the email bill to ring, then it is yet another request to become someone’s friend on Facebook. I should like Facebook. I have lots of friends who want to connect to me, but, frankly, I have not given them much reason for encouragement. Maybe now that Facebook, The Movie has become so popular I will have to pay attention.

But, on that foggy morn, a few days ago, something miraculous occurred. The Hosemaster of Wine reappeared. He left me a piece of his mind, and since it is a good thing that I have a sense of humor, I am going to paste his words in below. Sadly, I suspect that this is just a hit and run appearance, but, as one of the faithful, I was delighted to receive it and am even more delighted that he has allowed me to share it with you. For more info about my friend, the hosepuller, visit his website. He may not have posted to it in six months, but there is much mirth to be had there.

Here then, The Return of The Hosemaster---

Oh, there is a wealth of choices I might suggest to you for this week's Best of the Blogs, or as you refer to it at CGCW (pronounced “cuh-gic-wuh”), Tuesday Twaddle.

I’d recommend you begin your blog day over at the inimitable Tom Wark’s Sermontation. Tom virtually began wine blogging, which is why he is particularly reviled. Today’s post is about the Constitution and Tasting Fees. Tom argues persuasively that our Forefathers expressly forbade Tasting Room Fees under the Eighth Amendment which expressly says, “…nor excessive fines imposed…” Oooh, he’s got you there tasting room scum! Tom suggests that consumers refuse to pay tasting room fees, and if they run into problems not to forget their Second Amendment right to wave their arms. Tom’s blog makes one wish there wasn’t a First Amendment.

From Sermontation I’d skedaddle right on over to 1WineDoody for an inside look at selling out. Is it any wonder 1WineDoody was named Best Overall Wine Blog in 2010? Well, yes, it is, but wonder abounds in this crazy world. In today’s post, Doody makes the case for Portuguese white wines. Entitled, “Who You Callin’ VinHo?,” in Doody’s signature Look at Me I’m Hip style, he argues that Vinho Verde belongs at your table, especially since he had to travel to Portugal on their escudo to teach you this. It’s quite a convincing romp, and, best of all, we can look forward to his Tweets about Vinho Verde this coming weekend! Example: “This 2008 Vinho Verde makes me want to rush to the airport and have my junk touched! A+”

After you’ve done your Doody, flip on over to STEVE! No one writes more thoughtful and honest posts than STEVE! He believes firmly in transparency, particularly in his wife-beater shirt. Today’s post finds STEVE! wondering why he doesn’t have more influence in the wine world. I think Cuh-gic-wuh fans will enjoy my thoughtful comment, which I reprint here:

“You’re trying too hard! Stop begging for attention!”

STEVE! persuasively argues that all other ratings besides his are worthless because, though there are understandably differences in opinions about the same wine, only his scores come from a deep, dark, needy place.

I’ve long been an admirer of Samantha Sams Clubage, and her latest post explores just why French wines are better than any other damn wines. It has something to do with the tingling of the little hairs on her girlie parts. As good an explanation of terroir as I’ve ever read ensues, with Samantha taking the position that “terroir is like Dave Mathews.” But she really gets going with her tribute to what Grower Champagnes do to her “bits.” “I’ve got mousse in my caboose,” she begins, “en tirage in my garage.” Yahoo! I love it when she gets down and dirty. This girl writes like a dream, a wet one.

And, finally, for a change of pace, there’s the poetic and beautifully written blog On and On and On and On the Wine Trail in Italy. Alfonso transports us to another time and place in his blog—I think it’s Hooterville circa 1960. Today’s post, “Pasta My Prime,” is a gorgeous lamentation about aging and some other stuff I couldn’t make heads or tails of. The words flow like a busted sewage main, and leaves you thinking, Was that written in Italian or English? A common feeling when perusing the Tuesday Twaddle.


That Hose Guy
by Samantha Sams Clubage
Posted on:1/17/2011 11:42:01 PM

Well he's lucky I have a sense of humor. I never got why people read him anyway, he's not even funny, he's really kind of an idiot. That being said he totally nailed me dammit and I love him with all my heart for it! So nice to see Our Beloved HoseMaster is still alive and kicking....even if it's me he's kicking at. Thanks for this Charlie and thank you Ron....I love you both!

hose, schmose
by Thomas Pellechia
Posted on:1/18/2011 6:32:31 AM

If this SOB of a hosejob disregards my important, insightful, unbelievably inane blog any longer, I shall shut down the whole enterprise!

Wait a minute: is that what he's after?

by Charlie Olken
Posted on:1/18/2011 9:36:57 AM

My Dear Mr. Pellechia--

You have a blog? Oh my, another sucker.

Besides, I never read unbelievably inane blogs except mine and the Hosemaster.

I am still waiting for a blog that is believably ane.



by EVO
Posted on:1/18/2011 10:35:53 AM

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