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Tuesday Tributes
Guns or Wine: That Is The Question

By Charles Olken

I am here to offer an alternative to the American people. No, not an alternative to Mitt or Barak, but to guns. I propose, if elected to replace all guns in the United States with bottles of wine—American wine.

It was just announced that the largest increase in any gift category in the United States was in firearms. Up 100% from last year, and mostly sold to people who already own guns. Guns are not like wine, however. One can only shoot one gun at a time unless you happen to be Wild Bill Hickok or Hopalong Cassidy.

Wine is different. One always needs more than one wine unless one is drinking alone—and we don’t advocate that here in wine country. Always drink with friends, and drink more than one bottle unless you are driving. Admittedly, both guns and wine are collectables, but we use up our wine collections a lot faster than we use up our guns. Violent crime, which includes gun crimes, was down 6% in 2011—so why the increase in gun sales?

Wine sales also increased, but by a much smaller margin. Imagine if all those gun sales had been converted into sales of Chardonnay and Pinot Noir — or of Zinfandel and Syrah and Merlot. I am predicting here and now that sales of wine instead of guns would bring about an even faster drop in the rise of violent crime.

Wine, after all, is the beverage of moderation. I am reminded that “moderate” is a dirty word in Iowa today. No one wants to be called a “moderate”, but, perhaps, just perhaps, if we could get those politicians and Iowans to drink more wine, there might be more moderation in this world.

That’s my position and I am sticking with it until the last caucus goer has got up and went. Then it is on to New Hampshire where we will resume the fight for wine not guns.


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and remember...
by Thomas Pellechia
Posted on:1/4/2012 8:36:42 AM

...don't drink and shoot a gun.

Drunk Shooting
by Charlie Olken
Posted on:1/4/2012 9:07:54 AM

Mr. P.--

There is no law against drinking and shooting.

Would you care to propose one? Perhaps we could construct guns with built-in breathalyzers.

by Thomas Pellechia
Posted on:1/4/2012 10:05:17 AM

Good idea. Maybe the best way to do it would be to have the gun holder stick the shaft into his/her mouth and then pull the breathalyzer trigger--making sure to be careful not to pull the other trigger.

by Charlie Olken
Posted on:1/4/2012 10:09:42 AM

Of course, the risk of getting the wrong trigger increases as the blood alcohol goes up. Or, was that your point in the first place?

No Subject
by Thomas Pellechia
Posted on:1/4/2012 1:06:54 PM

You are a man of perspicacity.

by Charlie Olken
Posted on:1/4/2012 1:25:51 PM

When I was a kid, I was man of Hopalong Cassady.

When I got to college, I was a man of overcapacity.

As a blogger, I have occasionally been a man of audacity.

Now, in my mature years, I am a man of limited capacity.

Maybe that is what it takes to become a man of perspicacity.

And, you sir, are a man of veracity.

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